I went to see my doctor yesterday for my 2 week post partum check up. I’m grateful that the nurse and the doctors were aware of my situation, so they didn’t say the “wrong” words or questions that would put me in an awkward position.

Overall, it’s just a regular post c-section 2 week follow up. My incision has healed nicely and we talked briefly of what was probably the culprit of my Preterm Premature Rupture of Membrane (PPROM). She said that because my cervix was so short before the cerclage (it was 4mm before the cerclage and 1.4 cm after the cerclage), there could be bacteria already passed through the cervix and further weakening the amniotic sac.

I pained me that my body couldn’t handle the pregnancy. As other mothers who lost their babies said: the house “fell apart”. No other words can fit the situation better than that. My body couldn’t provide a strong house for my baby. It made me feel incompetent.

Right now the only thing that help me get through this is the tiny glimpse of hope that we could still conceive and deliver a healthy baby full term. It won’t be an easy journey, in fact, it may be a more torturous journey, but I’ll do whatever it takes as long as there’s still hope. Am I being ridiculously selfish?