Last week was peaceful. I was still crying every single day but not as much as the previous week. I was able to carry normal conversation, laughing and started doing small house chores. I thought I was finally able to move on…

…Until this morning…

I woke up at 4:15 am, which is a pretty normal wake up schedule for me and I started checking my emails. Soon after, I decided to pay some bills online. When I scheduled a payment, I selected the month “April” and that’s when it hit me.

I went into depression mode, realizing that I’m no longer pregnant and my baby boy is no longer with me. All the positive thoughts I had last week immediately vanished into thin air. I was again forced to face the painful reality of the premature loss and the fear that it may be my last time to feel the joy of pregnancy. I felt like I went back to ground zero.

It took me a while until I was able to tell myself to accept the reality that my body was not ready for him and that I did the best I could to deliver him safely and alive,  and to get to see him, know him and love him, even though it’s only for 28 hours.

I guess my grieving journey has not reached the complete resolution yet.