The house that Kirk and I (and with help from our friends) have been working on ever since I was pregnant with Raistlin is now under contract (with a back up contract from another potential buyer).

Part of me couldn’t wait to get out of this house. Too many sad memories in this house. Kirk lost his job because of post Sept 11 economy crash, Kirk’s medical condition, my miscarriage and losing Raistlin, and many other broken stuff that we had to fix.

All the incidents around Raistlin and Kirk sure felt like a deja vu of what happened 4 years ago, when they diagnosed Kirk with testicular cancer not long after I lost the baby due to blighted ovum. It happened when we were working on the house, remodeling the basement bathroom.

This time, it happened when we were working on the same house, to put it on market so we can move to a better house for us and especially for Raistlin. And things fell apart just exactly like what happened that day. Now that I think about it, I did feel the chill, afraid that history would repeat for me to lose the baby, as soon as they found abnormal mass growth in Kirk’s lymph node. I really hope we can start a new life with new hopes in the new house.

But there’s also a part of me that don’t want to leave the house. I’m afraid to lose all the precious memories I had with Raistlin for the 23 weeks he’s with me.

I am torn…