My emotion is still up and down. There was not a single day that I didn’t spend crying, whether it’s a small sob or out-of-control wailing type of cry. And I lost control to stay focus. My mind often wander off to something completely unrelated to what I’m doing at the moment. Today is not any different.

As I was adding photos to my past blog entries, all of the sudden my mind went to Kirk’s ex-girlfriend who was able to bear his first son, who is now 15 years old. It quickly turned into hatred. I almost couldn’t contain the feeling of jealousy and anger towards her, someone whom I’ve never met. I hate her for waltzing into our peaceful marriage life and announcing that Kirk has a son. I hate her for asking for child support after 10 years denying Kirk as the son’s father. I hate her for being able to conceive a healthy son for Kirk. I hate her for being able to deliver a healthy and living son for him. I hate her because God let her have more kids afterwards. I hate God for letting someone irresponsible like her having kids and demanding child support from the guys she slept with. My hatred and anger towards her was raw and it ached my heart so bad that I just had to let it all out with a silent scream.

After I had that moment, I felt calm. As calm as a clear blue sky with gentle breeze. I’ve never felt so peaceful before. Am I going crazy? Am I turning into a psycho? Gosh I sure hope not. I never knew I could develop such feelings and emotions. I was never able to cry in front of public. I didn’t cry when my dad passed away, nor did I cry when he was cremated. I didn’t cry when my mom went into hospital from an accident. I didn’t cry when my dog was killed by a runaway driver. I didn’t cry when we had to put our cat to sleep and I didn’t cry when Kirk found our cat lifeless body from behind the washing machine. I thought I was an emotionless person, who cannot grieve or get angry to such a raw level. I felt like today I hit the rock bottom, I reached the lowest and darkest side of me. One thing for sure, I know that I am a different person than I was before. I just hope I’m turning into a better person.