I am feeling blue this week. Not exactly sure why. Maybe this up and down emotions is becoming part of my normal life. Today I felt like I’m left behind and a total failure. All my friends who were pregnant already had their babies and enjoying the motherhood. Some are still waiting for the due date. Some just announced their pregnancy.

I feel like I’m losing the journey and they are getting farther and farther away from me. Conversations become awkward when I felt like sharing my pregnancy experience, because I never completed it. I can’t say congratulations to my friends who announced their pregnancy because I’m still recovering and can’t get pregnant yet. I feel lonely and stuck in the corner without being able to do anything.

I sure wish I had one or two happy memories with Raistlin. Every time my mind wanders, all I could remember is how he suffered and I couldn’t do anything to either comfort or safe him. I couldn’t blame anybody else but myself for not being able to protect him like a mother should do.

Please forgive me, my dearest son, for I have failed you…Please give me strength to keep smiling and face whatever the future brings.