Going Home

Today we are going home.

Kirk and I have spent our time grieving together in my room. My thanks to the doctors and nurses at Rose hospital for giving us the chance to be together. Kirk also finally had his chance to hold Raistlin for the first time. It was a very touching moment to see him holding his son as he cried silently. I couldn’t ask what is in his mind because I was afraid that it would interrupt his only moment with Raist.

This morning, I thought it would be easier for me and Kirk (especially me) to leave the hospital and go back to our life. To be honest, it’s very heart-crushing to stay in the room and listening to baby’s heartbeat from the doppler coming from the room next to mine. So I packed all of our stuff lightheartedly, couldn’t wait to get out of there.

But…

As soon as we hit the lobby and I saw my doctor’s office across the street, immediately I was filled with flashbacks. I could see myself walking cautiously from the parking lot to the building with him still inside me. I could see me and Kirk walking together to the admission table to check myself in for a cerclage, the E.R., and finally the guilty feeling that I’m leaving him behind.

I broke into tears. I couldn’t handle the sudden flood of all these memories I had with him. I cried and cried all the way from the hospital to home. All the memories and the thoughts I had when I drove on those streets were clearly (and cruelly) played back as clear as crystal, and I’m getting farther and farther away from him.

It didn’t stop there. As soon as we entered the house, I could see myself trying to clean the house, the bathroom when I had my water broke, the bath tub where I laid on my back trying to stop/slow down the fluid from coming out from me. The sofa where I sat often during my bedrest and the bedroom where I regularly talked to him in the morning and evening.

It’s much harder than I thought. But at the same time I’m glad that I didn’t lose all those precious memories. The loving memories that only Raistlin and I had that bind us together forever…