” Dear Raistlin,

I had a great long conversation with daddy today. It was a much needed talk for both of us because finally I was able to open up and told daddy how I felt throughout the time you were in me and how I had a certain fantasy that I felt he failed to fulfill. Daddy was also able to share his feelings, allowing me to understand him better and deeper, more than we ever could in the 12 years of marriage. Thank you for bringing the two of us even closer than before. We’re very blessed to have you in our life.”

Majority part of my childhood, my mom raised me as if I was a boy. I was mentally and physically “abused” by her in order to make me tough and independent. She would never allow me to complain or say anything openly, especially if it was the outcome of my doings. When I got sick because I played in the rain, rather than hugging me and comforting me, she would scold me before she finally took me to the doctor. Because we were poor, my mom kept telling me to be independent and not be a burden. So I am used to keep everything to myself. I rarely complain, especially when it comes about my physical condition. I stopped relying on other people before I reached my teen age because I don’t want to be a burden to anybody. Whenever I ask for something from someone and I get the impression of “No”, then I would just stop asking and do it myself.

This morning, the unspoken feelings that I had since I was pregnant with Raistlin was swelling up so much that I finally had to share it with Kirk. I told him how I had this fantasy of the perfect “expecting father figure” that turned out so differently as he was never that figure. I told him how I interpreted that as if that he didn’t really care or happy with the pregnancy. And lastly because he has been solely my focus with all his medical-related events in the past 10 years, including his tumor and potential cancer, I developed a guilty feeling to have to bother him whenever I had problem during my pregnancy.

I’m glad we finally had that talk. It was very hard for me to express my feelings, but it was proven that we really need to have that talk, that I need to let it out because nobody could understand me unless I let him know how I feel. It clearly exposed a lot of issues in our communications for 12 years (mostly from my side).

After that conversation, I was finally able to see our loss from a different perspective. Losing Raistlin has allowed me to look at myself and my relationship with Kirk in a much deeper level and it has given us the opportunity to know each other better. I can finally let Raistlin go in peace. I can never be happier to have this experience. To have him, even in such a short time. It is painful, but at the same time it allow us to start anew in our life…a much brighter life…