This is the beginning of the story of our son, Raistlin Andreas Troy.

He is our miracle baby, a true miracle, conceived with love, effort and patience after 3 years since my miscarriage and my husband’s survival from testicular cancer. I have been back and forth about conceiving naturally or with assistance, but my mind was finally set on trying to conceive naturally. I started over my life by exercising and paying attention to what I eat with a goal to make myself healthy before focusing myself on pregnancy.

I could not forget that morning, November 1, 2010, when I hesitantly took the pregnancy test and had to rub my eyes with disbelief: There were 2 lines on the test strip – it was POSITIVE!

After that, my pregnancy journey was filled with paranoia of having another miscarriage. Not long after I scheduled my first prenatal visit, we had to go to the E.R. because I was bleeding. They released me on the same night after the bleeding has stopped and blood test showed that my HCG was over 10,000, which is accurate for 5-6 weeks gestation. After spending a week with nothing but turmoil in my mind, finally the ultrasound at my prenatal visit showed the fetus with a strong beating heart. I cried with relief. Little did we know that it would be the first of many E.R. visits later on.

Raistlin at 6 weeks - What a cute little bean!

2 weeks passed, my pregnancy reached 8 weeks. Kirk and I went to the ultrasound appointment together and saw the strong heartbeat – 120 bpm and he was already busy bouncing around. My doctor released me from high risk pregnancy condition and it continued to be a smooth sailing period.

…Until our 20 week ultrasound…

The ultrasound started with all the positive things: healthy measurement, heart, lungs, kidneys, brain all look normal and we found out it’s a boy! My quad blood test came back normal, so no down syndrome! Then she decided to do vaginal ultrasound to measure my cervix because I mentioned I had an increased discharge last night. She took a couple of pictures and calmly told us to wait for the doctor.

Raistlin 3D ultrasound 20 weeks - I fell in love right away with him

The doctor came and told us the bad news: My cervix was shortening and the amniotic sac was already funneling, leaving only 4mm before the cervix to open up, exposing the sac. It took us a while to sink into the reality and the emergency nature of the situation and it finally sank in, that we could lose this baby. Partly in denial that my body was failing to provide my baby a good home, I agreed to the cerclage procedure, so we rushed to Rose hospital and they immediately put me into bedrest, perform an amniocentesis and put the cerclage on me. Luckily, they managed to put 2 stitches and kept 1.3 cm length of my cervix and we went home that same night with a bedrest order.

February 15, 2011, 11 days after they put the cerclage (22 weeks gestation), I saw a thick brown mucus discharge with blood. I called the doctor and they told me to go to the hospital for a check. We went there still with a positive thought, but it was erased immediately when they found out that I had contractions, a fever of 101F and my white blood cells were elevated. We ended up staying at the hospital that night for yet another amniocentesis and series of blood and urine tests. The next morning they released me because they couldn’t find the source of the “phantom” infection – they blamed it on a possibly early development of bladder infection, which is common. My cervix was still closed and no bacteria in the amniotic fluid.

Saturday, February 25, 2011, we went to bed and I felt a small gush coming out. I went to the bathroom, thinking it was just a regular discharge and boy was I wrong! My water broke! I went to panic and crying thinking that I lost him and there’s no way to fix it this time. Ambulance came and took me to the closest hospital (where my doctor was not affiliated with). The residence doctor did an ultrasound and there was no amniotic fluid left. The sac was completely empty! He told me that he would have to remove the cerclage, preventing it from infection and after that the wait-and-see game will take in place. I cried and cried all night long. I felt like my world is falling apart – not only because I was so not ready to lose my baby, but Kirk will also have his surgery on March 2 and I wouldn’t be able to be with him. I was so scared that I would lose them both!

The morning after, I felt much calmer (Maybe because I couldn’t cry anymore and I was afraid crying would cause contractions. Maybe it was because I read in the forums that other women managed to carry to term. I don’t know). The nurse said I had no contractions all night and no fever, so they offered me to be transferred to Rose hospital where my doctor is. I immediately took that offer. The doctor also said that there may still be a tiny chance to continue to full term with strict bedrest, so not all hope was lost.

I spent my week at Rose, listening to his heartbeat every morning and evening, feeling him moving and kicking, and talking to him. Every day I spent there, my hope grew bigger for his survival. All was good and under control: My leak has stopped for several days. His heartbeat was strong and stable. My friends came out and helped taking care of both me and Kirk, who were in two separate hospitals. Kirk’s surgery on March 2 was a success and he’s rapidly recovering. My glucose test came back with negative result and we’re on schedule for betamethasone (steroid) shots to improve his chance of survival.

…Again…I was WRONG!

March 3, 2011, I was prepared for the shots, but before that, they took me for an ultrasound. Somehow I felt uneasiness starting to develop. My leak started again yesterday, even though I shrugged it off as the rupture is not yet 100% healed. The ultrasound showed there’s still no fluid, but baby is still moving around. The technician didn’t say much other than telling me the doctor will come and talk to me. My heart sank. I’ve heard that before. I know the tone of “trouble ahead” and it was confirmed immediately when Dr. Lindsay said my baby is in a footling breech position. And to make it worse, one of his leg was stuck in the cervix and already exposed in the canal, meaning my cervix has already opened. I begged him for a chance to push the foot back, but it’s not possible due to unknown length of exposure to bacteria, so there’s no solution other than delivering via emergency classical c-section.

I broke into tears…I’ve never felt so helpless in my life. My husband is in the hospital, my baby’s situation is between life and death, I couldn’t think but agreeing with whatever they told me, as long as there’s still a chance to see my baby alive. That’s all I could think about. I no longer care of what they would do to me, I just want Raistlin to survive and alive. I couldn’t even think how to break the news to Kirk, who was still recovering for less than 24 hours after a major surgery, because I was so afraid the news would shake him and I might lose him too!

As I was laying on my back in the Operating Room, I could still hear Raistin’s heart beating strongly, 165 bpm. But that changed rapidly as soon as they rolled me to my right side for my spinal anesthesia. The monitor lost the heartbeat and they couldn’t find the heartbeat, so instead, they pumped me with general anesthesia from the IV. All I remember was that I was crying because it hurt and burned so badly.

Raistlin was born at 11:18 AM that day. I couldn’t see him immediately because of the general anesthesia. I had to wait until the evening before I was stable enough and they wheeled me to the NICU on a gurney to see him. 1lbs 4 oz, 11 inches long. He was so small, his legs were bruised and his body was pink and translucent. He had IV tubes everywhere on his body. It’s so painful to see your baby with needles in his small body. We skyped in (thank you for technology), so Kirk could see him and I am glad that we did that because it was his only chance to see Raistlin moving and alive.

Raistlin - 5 hours after he was born

March 4, 2011 at 2 AM in the morning, the NICU nurse woke me up and asked me to sign a consent for blood transfusion. His CBC went down. Half asleep and drowsy from the pain med, it didn’t occur in my mind what could this lead into.

At 10 AM, my friend Jen, Terri and I went to the NICU to see him and his brain ultrasound. We watched the nurse changed his diaper and we talked a bit about his condition after the blood transfusion. So far his vital stats were stable. When the ultrasound technician finally arrived, we watched her scan his brain. The technician was not allowed to say anything so we had no information. I went back to my room because I started feeling dizzy and the pain started to kick in. Oh how I wish I had stayed in that room all day and hold his little fingers and talked to him. Yes, if only I knew…

Raistlin - the next morning

In the afternoon, the NICU doctor came to my room to discuss Raistlin’s condition. She mentioned that he has a massive hemorrhage in his left brain and his right brain is not any better. She said that at this point, even if he survived, he would lose 90% of his left brain because there’s no way for a brain to recover from that much damage. For a while, I was in denial. My mind was thinking, my baby is strong, he could make it. I couldn’t even cry from the shock and denial and hoping for a miracle to happen. After talking with Kirk, we both agreed to continue until Sunday before we decided to stop the life support should there’s no improvement.

Not long after I hung up the phone, the NICU doctor rushed into my room with a wheel chair and told me to come to the NICU right away because Raist’s heartbeat was dropping. Wobbling to the wheelchair, they took me to the NICU and I saw that his heartbeat dropped to 51 and his oxygen saturation dropped to 33. I knew right away that it’s beyond help. I asked if I could hold him knowing that it would be the last time. I hold him for 10 minutes until his very last pulse and his body starting to get colder and colder. I couldn’t say anything but asked for his forgiveness for not being able to help him.

My last moment with Raistlin

I felt the time stopped moving. I was sad and angry. Angry because my body couldn’t keep him safely in there. Angry because I felt robbed. Angry because I felt God turned His back on me and rejected my plea for a miracle. But at the same time I felt a slight relief knowing that he no longer feels the pain.